Never Ending Cross Roads

Have you ever felt like you are always making decisions that could alter the course of your life? I may feel this way because I am a constant worrier or because maybe I take life a little too seriously. I suppose no matter the reason I cannot help but think that one wrong move and I will find myself on a path that will require a GPS recalculation. It is not a fun way to think or feel. I am working on my mindset but as usual it is a slow, less than desirable process. I want to be a good human and I want to make a difference. I think I have almost turned those two goals into burdens rather than things I want. These are my personal thoughts, and no one person or event caused my mindset. Sometimes I want to read a book, go to a seminar, or even just go to church and have my whole being changed and while that is completely possible, it has not happened yet. So, while I still hold out hope for a miraculous "wake up."  I have started making some small changes now to help this process and this summer I want to make some bigger changes. I would use a caterpillar analogy here but that seems a bit cliché even for the queen of clichés, me. I do wish I could go into a cocoon and not see other humans for a while but that is not how life works. One change I can talk about is not bringing my work home with me whenever possible. I am a high school math teacher and while you would think that I could leave my work at school, you would be incorrect. And some of it is physical work like grading and lesson planning, but most of it is mental and emotional. Hopefully, not bringing home the physical work will translate to leaving some of the less tangible things at school as well. Anyway, it is school night and we have a match tomorrow. Good night.

Making Some More Changes

I am making some more changes. I have "deleted" my other three blogs. Yes, I know, why in the world did I have four blogs? The simple answer is because I wanted four but the real answer is I have no idea. Therefore, today I am down to one blog with the same, more than the minimum, internet address but now under the title "It's a Wornock's Life" because that is my internet hashtag. I keep wanting to create all these really cool names/brands but "It's a Wornock's Life" it is probably the best description of the things that go on in my life. I hope this will help me post here more often and combine the ideas that I had for all the other blogs in one place. If you didn't read any of my other blogs that's cool. But now I have to tell you what they were all about. One blog was supposed to help me talk about my weight loss journey, the second blog was where I posted about my faith and the third blog was about the Wornock life. As you can tell, I can and will be able to post about all of that here because they are parts of the sum this is me. There are some more changes coming but those are under wraps for now. I am learning the more I talk about change the less I want to make a change. My new mantra "Don't talk about it, just be about it" is now in full force. #changeiscoming #justbeaboutit #itsawornockslife

I Changed the Mirror

So, I have not posted on here in over five months and the last post I created had a lot to do with me growing as a person. Well, I am still growing and some days it is pretty painful. I am not the person I want to be on a lot of different levels. I still hope for better outcomes from myself daily and I beat myself more than I should when I do not meet my own expectations. Today, however is not one of the those days. My mom asked me to find a picture for her from my sister's wedding from over fifteen years ago. It was a trip down memory lane that I did not really want to take but I am so glad I did. I had to dust off some old CD-ROMs in the back of my office cabinets to find the picture but I found the picture of her in less than ten minutes. I was going to put the discs away and I decided to dig around and see what else I could find. Younger people may not believe this but you can take selfies without a cellphone and I did back in the day. There was a time in my life when I took a lot of selfies but not because I liked the way I looked. They were taken in hopes that someone else would see me. You see as I was going through the photos I realized how much I did not like myself. I did not like myself  because I determined my "face value" by how others treated me. I wanted to loved by certain people and they were never going to love me the way I deserved and needed to be loved. And I immaturely thought that meant I was not enough. That I was not worthy enough and it had something to do with my physical self. That belief really messed with my psyche. Well, I can now say that I know I  was wrong. My value is not determined by how others see me, it is determined in how I treat myself and more importantly in how I treat others. You are probably wondering if I just discovered this today and I promise I did not. It really hit me today as I was looking at the selfies I had taken so many years ago. If someone had told me back then that I was beautiful I would have laughed. I would have said thank you and the monologue in my head would have said they were lying, you are not even close to beautiful or worthy. Does that mean that I no longer see myself as ugly and unworthy these days? Oh, no. But I give myself grace on those days. I remember that the outside is what the world sees but the inside is what God knows.  I added a collage of the pictures I found. I look at them now and see someone how really wanted to be beautiful to herself more than anything but thought that meant it had to come from outside but the whole time the mirror was inside . . . so I changed the mirror. If you are feeling ugly, unloved, or unworthy because others do not see your value  . . . change the mirror.